Seek Help.

I was watching a movie earlier today, in which a woman’s stepdaughter gets raped and brutally beat up. The movie did such a great job depicting the emotions and anger in real situations that women go through after being assaulted.  But the reason I’m writing this post is because of one of the scenes; the daughter was showering in the middle of the night, scratching her skin off because she felt so dirty.  I instantly started crying. I wasn’t raped or brutally beat, but I was sexually assaulted. For weeks after I would shower and scrub myself to the point of making myself bleed. I would get reminded of the assault and would keep scrubbing to take away the feeling of being so dirty and disgusting.  I gave myself bacterial infections by using too much soap, did you know that was possible? I didn’t.  I went on antibiotics and would be fine and then again, I would scrub myself so much and back on antibiotics…it felt like a non-ending cycle until I finally reached out to a friend and talked to her.  She went through something similar. I cried, a lot, and she hugged and supported me and told me to seek help.  I didn’t. I thought that talking to her was good enough, and at the moment it really did seem like it. I never did seek help and it seems like it’s too late now because I feel “fine”, but sometimes while I watch TV shows, movies, or read about assaults, it still triggers something in me.  A part of me was lost that night, but I gained so much from it too.  I learned how to be strong and remind myself that I got through it and that I will be okay.  I learned what to say to others that have come to me and told me about their assaults.  I learned to make people feel courageous enough to tell me about their assault without feeling ashamed.  I never wanted to feel like a victim and I won’t allow myself to and if you’ve went through something similar, don’t let anyone, including the person who assaulted you, make you feel less worthy.  They should be the one ashamed of themselves, not you.  They should be the one regretting that night and their actions. They should be the ones scrubbing themselves from their dirty deeds. Allow yourself to heal and seek help instead of dealing with it alone, I know I should have.  

One thought on “Seek Help.

  1. First off, I will just start by saying that I am sorry for any pain that you had to go through. I do not know you, merely ran into you through social media (Instagram). But I do know that no one should have to go through the pain or suffering of being sexually assaulted, ever.

    With that being said, I’d like to touch on the aspects of todays culture in regards to sexual assault and the stigma attached to it. I was originally of the same mind set that you had mentioned in a previous post, that women who came out publicly with their stories in the #metoo movement had ulterior motives. Some of those stories actually did have reasons that were based in fame or money, and of those some of them were not even valid sexual assault claims. But also with those false claims, there were real claims being made by real victims for whatever reason they felt necessary. It was hard to tell the difference which is why alot of people brush them off as if not important. I am not here to speak about those who came out publicly, whether their story was true or false.

    I am here to speak about, and for, not only sexual assault victims, but anyone who has experienced any type of abuse and then not been able to come out publicly about it. When I speak to you here, I am trying to reach you but also speaking about/to anyone else who had a situation of physical or mental assault/abuse.

    I have never been sexually assaulted so I won’t pretend to know what you, or anyone else in your situation, are going through. I also do not know the circumstances of your specific situation. However I do know that just because this happened to you, it does not make you less of a person. The fact that you kept, or keep, this story private and do not choose to come out with it, well that is a decision you have, and many people all over the world, have made. Maybe one reason people have for hiding assault is because of how they feel they will be perceived in society if they come out with their story. It’s wrong to think that society’s reaction is the reason someone might hold something like this deep down inside of them, but it is something that people struggle with.

    There is no right or wrong way to talk about something as personal as sexual assault. Whether you choose to discuss it openly, or choose to keep it privately to yourself, the way you express it does not diminish your character one bit. You are the same person before the assault as you are after and that you are today. For some it may be better for them to seek help, while others it may be better for them to not speak about it. Society should play no part in the process someone needs to take after healing from a situation as personal as sexual assault. It is about THAT person and no one else really matters.

    I wish you the best and anyone else who has suffered from a similar situation of mental or physical abuse. I’d like you to know that however bad it was for you, that it can always get better. Take care


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